NaNo '09

This is the beginning of my attempt at NaNoWriMo last year. For those that don't know, "NaNoWriMo" stands for National Novel Writing Month. There is an entire website and organization devoted to a community of writers from around the world writing a novel in one month -- November. A novel is classified as a work of fiction 50,000 words or longer. I attempted it last year and only made it to 3,345 words. This year, I tried again, and failed to reach my word goal almost every single day. I haven't worked on it since November 3rd.
Anyway, here is the first part of last year's NaNo attempt.

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“Inhale. Exhale. Smile. Repeat.” – not quite my life motto, but words to live by nonetheless. Sometimes life taps you on the shoulder and reminds you the cat hasn’t been fed in a week. Sometimes it tackles you from behind and knocks you over as it explains in a painfully slow manner that it’s leaving you and it’s taking everything along. Sometimes you’re left alone, stood up, sitting at an empty bar wondering why you’ve stooped yourself so low. Sometimes you’re left panting, 10 feet from the starting line, wondering if you’re ever going to make it to the 26^th mile. And sometimes you find yourself completely and utterly alone on a plane to a place you once called home…and you wonder if it’s ever going to be the same.

At eight years old, that was me that forgot to feed the cat. I remember that day as the first time I really understood that life wasn’t fair. About 5 years ago, life left me. More like, it felt like I left life. All my friends, all my family, and my perfect life stayed behind when I moved to Texas. Two years after that, I was the one sitting at the bar, seemingly abandoned and questioning everything. Those five years felt like a marathon that I knew I’d never finish. And a few hours ago, I was the one on that plane. I had left all my true friends in Pittsburgh one Thursday. All five years on that day I would try to forget. It never happened. I don’t know why my life was so amazing before, but I knew I had to get back there.

I realized I wouldn’t really know what it was until I relived it. So there I sat on that plane thinking, wondering, imagining. I sat and stared out that window for what must’ve been an eternity. Thousands of feet off the ground, I could still see the lights of Dallas shining bright through my window. Many times in my life, I’ve been able to look down at the world like I was God. Only one of a few hundred in that plane, but it felt like it was my world spinning slowly below every time. I watched the lights disappear slowly and thought. I thought softly, about nothing in particular. I slid my fingers across the window and imagined that I was the one pushing those cars down the highway and turning the lights on and off. I wondered what it would be like if all of it was mine.

Images flashed through my head. I played a slideshow of my life, from early childhood far into the future. I listened to my friends’ voices telling the most outrageous stories and suddenly wished I was home. It’s been too long, I whispered as I thought of how much I’d changed in the past few years. Is it all still there? My house? Their houses? The mall? My favorite Starbucks? Will they reject me? Will I be “good enough”? Will they still know who I am?

~~*~~

Back in the day, I was the happiest person you would ever meet. I wasn’t super smart or athletic or popular. I just had a loving family, loving friends, and a busy schedule. As long as I was doing something, keeping my mind occupied, nothing was wrong. I enjoyed my life and the people in it. I was perfectly content. But as soon as I was alone at night with nothing to do, I would end up thinking about my future and wondering if I would ever know what I should do with my life. I had no ideas of a career or college. I was a junior in 01-02. I figured all my life that I’d know by then what I wanted to do. It didn’t come in 2001. It didn’t come in 2002. It didn’t come in 2003, that knowing that I was meant to be this or I would love to do that. I just couldn’t figure out why.

I chose Business Management. That will be general enough, I thought. And when I do figure my life out, I can always change majors. Next was college selection. I managed a 1300 on my SATs so I had somewhat of a variety to pick from. I wanted risk in that area to make up for the lack of commitment to a career. I wanted to go far. I wanted to escape the cold of winter and the obligation to my friends and family and neighborhood and church and myself. I just wanted a change. I was happy, but the more I thought about DeVry in Texas, the more I realized I didn’t know why I was happy. I had lost all the excitement of new and different things. I just wanted a change.

So DeVry University in Irving is where I went and Business Management was my major. This included both risk and broadness. This is the time I find out who I am. I’ll change everything here. I’ll be a better person when I come back and no one will be able to believe how different I am. It’s perfect!

And there I sat on that airplane thinking, How true those words turned out to be. They really won’t believe it. And here I am now, standing on a rainy sidewalk outside the Pittsburgh International Airport, not having a clue where to go next.

~Allison