This is a satire proposal essay I wrote for my English class last year. If it seems over-the-top, it's supposed to be. I tried to incorporate as much of today's so-called "innovative technology" as possible. Note that I wrote this around April, before Google Wave kind of died off. Enjoy.
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Fred turned his head to look at the clock. 9:32pm, he thought. Plenty of time for 15 more matches. Fred felt the strain in his neck as he returned his gaze to the computer screens. He had four monitors in a square on his desk. The bottom two displayed his current game, “Starships in the Modern World of Guns and War”. The monitor on the top right was split between his Facebook and Twitter applications, and the monitor on the top left had five windows open: the latest viral video on YouTube, two of his six email accounts, Meebo (a site that logs you into 4 instant messaging programs at once), and Google Wave – the newest collaboration craze.
On top of these four monitors was a camera, set up to take a picture of Fred every 30 minutes to post to DailyBooth.com. In a stand to the right was Fred’s iPad, currently loaded to a new book. Below the iPad was Fred’s iPhone blasting the newest remixes his friends sent him the day before through $580 designer speakers.
Fred continued to talk into his headset as he checked the clock one more time. 10:08. Perfect. He paused the game to look at the text he got from one of his old friends. Hm. I wonder what he wants… “Hey man, I know you’re busy with that new game and all, but I feel like I never see you anymore. Want to go out for coffee Thursday? Let me know.” Bah. I guess I just won’t respond. He’ll get the message. Fred took a sip from a tube connected to two cans of Red Bull perched on the sides of his hat and settled back into his reclining, remote-controlled Lounge Master 8000. The tension in his neck was almost unbearable. There has to be some way to fix this. I can’t be the only one having this problem. He started the game again and spent two more hours playing it.
Sometime around midnight, Fred told his friends he needed to log off. “I’m gettin’ up early tomorrow guys. I don’t have much time; there’s an online preview of ‘XX Recon 2’ at 10, but I really need the cash if I want to eat next month.” All of his internet-friends started groaning in unison. “Alright, alright. I’ll be back tomorrow. Stay fresh.” With one last unseen salute, he logged off and sighed. Before getting up, he responded to the 63 emails, notifications, tweets, posts, IMs, and texts that had accumulated over the last two hours. Alright, here we go, he thought with another sigh. Slowly he held a button down on his Lounge Master remote and sat up. He placed his headset on its hook, removed his drink hat, and threw away all the empty cans and chip bags. Slowly, Fred lifted himself out of the chair and shuffled to the door. He glanced back at the clock then turned out the lights and headed upstairs to his bed.
The next morning, Fred woke up and craned his neck to look at the clock. 7:00 a.m. He pulled his only suit out of his closet. The pants were a little tight, but he managed to get everything on without ripping any fabric or losing any buttons. Within the hour, he was at his first job interview in months. He went through pleasantries with the secretary and completed his interview. That went pretty well. Hopefully this’ll get me some cash. On the drive home, Fred planned to stop at a chiropractor his only non-internet friend recommended. However, a few miles down the road, he saw a billboard advertising a mini-robotic personal assistant. The main feature was a projector on the front of the robot that could be used for presentations and movie nights. The robot could also project the time anywhere you told it to. Fred pulled over immediately and called the number on the billboard.
“Hello? Yes, I’d like to order one of your personal assistant robot things. It’s remote-controlled, right? Ok, good. And it really projects the time onto the wall it’s facing? Perfect. I don’t care what it costs. Just please send it to this address…” That’s excellent, and just what I need! Why throw away money every few days for some random guy to fix a problem that can be solved by this little robot guy? Technology really can meet any need.
~Allison
